DJNewStyle

Half a Bagel

Sometimes a bagel is too big for a person so they’ll cut it in half, leaving the rest for someone else to enjoy.  I see the mentality behind it, but I have something very important to say to you half bagel eaters:  If you employ the sandwich roll style of slicing when cutting a bagel in half, please don’t take the top half. Instead, make a cross cut so that you’re leaving both the upper and lower sides of the bagel.

Taking the top half is wrong!  You’re stealing that bagel’s identity.  What is an everything without the everything?  It’s a fucking worthless nothing bagel, otherwise known as plain.  Don’t get me wrong, lots of people love plain bagels and to them I say, cut them any way you want.  Slice plain bagels in half all day long, flip a coin and pick a half because it doesn’t matter, but to do so to a delicious cheddar cheese bagel, which only exists as a cheddar cheese bagel because the cheese is melted on the top, makes you an inconsiderate fuck - the type of fuck that wouldn’t even give enough of a shit to follow the simple guidelines I’ve just explained.

So even if it’s a wasted effort, I believe there are more than a few with me, and if you’re not, I’d like to say thanks for leaving all of those half-plain bagels around in breakrooms and kitchens across the globe.  I hope you choke on your more desirable half-bagels as the rest of us fuck around with thin bready discs that have the slightest amount of topping residue at the edges.  Those fifteen poppyseeds remind us of our decency.

Fuck you.